Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Gay Marriage and Classics Departments?!

Dear President Supreme Leader Bush,
I fully agree with you that the greatest threat to our society is the rising, insurgent homo agenda. While people may point to our liberal media or Hollywood’s obsession with gays and lesbians as evidenced in the movie, Alexander and other shows like the infamous Will and Grace (by the way it is not helping that most of the queers are so damn hot) and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I would like to point to a more insidious source which will not surprise you, o Supreme Leader Bush: Classics programs found in many of our liberal traitorous institutions of higher learning, our universities infested with liberals, Al Qaeda sympathizers and adherents of the homo agenda which threatens to engulf the country like swarm of illegal immigrants (we’ll get to that later).

The basic class in any Classics department and a highly popular one is Mythology. Unfortunately for those opposing the homo agenda, this class isn’t exclusive to Classics majors but is offered as a general education course in virtually every university. It is not 100-150 students who take this per year per campus, but rather 1000-1500 throughout the course of one year. To emphasize my point, this is not the whole country we’re talking about but one campus. Surely is this not a plot by evil Classics professors to twist and pervert the minds of our youth by reaching out to countless majors who might not take the class if it didn’t help them to graduate? Are these mythology courses nothing more than their weapons of mass destruction to brainwash our children into thinking that gay marriage and homosexuality are perfectly legitimate?

The Federal Marriage Amendment’s detractors may point to Zeus’ various extra-marital affairs with mortal women but this is not the point here. Sure Zeus may have seduced or even raped 166 women but what should raise a red flag is the episode concerning Zeus and Ganymede. After all, did not Zeus stay married to Hera? Did not Hera decide not to leave Zeus? Surely, this must mean that extra-marital affairs as long as they are heterosexual do not destroy the institution of marriage. No, Ganymede is not a woman. No, he was an attractive Trojan who caught the fancy of Zeus. Ironically, since the Greeks destroyed that Sodom, Troy, it must have been Zeus and Ganymede’s fault since gay marriage and/or homosexual relations are the downfall of our society. To those who say divorce is the main enemy against marriage, I say to you that many of our divorcees are getting married twice or even more. There’s even one of our own who was married to more than one woman at the SAME TIME! Surely this must mean that divorces lead to more marriages which means that the institution of marriage is strengthened. I always say strength in NUMBERS, because they say old marriages never die, they just fade away!

To those who point out the hypocrisy of the GOP which is full of “adulterers.” I point out that our motives when committing adultery are more noble and just, the only instances when this sin is justified. For when we cheat on our wives, it is not for reasons of pure lust like that unnamed president I do not care to mention (For every time you mention his name, a catastrophe happens. Hell, Robert Jordan should have named Shai’tan Clinton or something.). Rather, it is to spread the joys of marriage around so that we may inspire our girlfriends or boyfriends to get married themselves. By seeming to destroy the institution of marriage, we are actually strengthening it by inspiring more to partake in its blessings so the accusations of hypocrisy are unfounded. Ergo, I praise these prominent representatives of the GOP for risking their reputations and becoming the butt of jokes everywhere in the liberal community just for protecting the sacred institution of marriage.

Of course, everyone knows if you allow gays to get married then what’s to stop a man from marrying a pig or a woman a bull? Surely it has never been thought of before! Alas, we now turn to an episode in Greek mythology infamous for its immorality and as we remember Pasiphae and the bull she had intercourse with! It is obvious that since Greek Mythology is polluted with instances of homosexual love, it must also be tainted with bestiality which means they automatically lead to one another. Take heed, America of this lesson for we shall lose our country once gays get married and people start marrying bulls, horses, pigs, and God knows what! We do not need animal-hybrids running around feasting on the flesh of man as our glorious Leader has pointed out before. Also, since Teiresias said himself that women enjoy sex more than men so that must mean that when men sleep around, it’s legitimate but when women do, they’re immoral. This is about the only thing that Greek mythology got right, but I guess even a broken clock has to tell the time correctly once in a while.

The horrors do not end there. Take the Sacred Band. Everyone knows that queers cannot fight and are nothing more than what the Governator (not the Gropinator, you damn liberals! Now that’s a man’s man for you) calls “girly men.” Therefore, tales that they defeated the manly Spartans at Leuktra are obviously false. The Spartans were an ideal of masculinity and would have never lost to such women. Perhaps the Spartans were tired that day or simply felt sorry for these effeminate men. If the Spartans lost to the Thebans at Leuktra, then the most effeminate of all, those Persians defeated the Greeks during the Persian Wars. What kind of message does this send to our troops who constantly have to worry about the enemy in the front lines and in the rear as the most holy Jerry Falwell has pointed out? What kind of message does this send when Classics professors point to the Sacred Band as one of the greatest fighting forces in ancient Greece before Alexander’s time? What kind of message does this send when our men are fighting for their lives? That it’s okay to be feminine?

Why stop at military history and mythology? Take the art of Ancient Greece. Why are the Greeks portrayed in the nude while fighting? Why are we allowed to look at nude flesh? This obviously must be a conspiracy by Greek liberals who undoubtedly knew that they would be studied in our universities to corrupt future minds and convert them to the cult of homosexuality. Also, that dying warrior in the West Pediment of the Temple of Aphaia? Why is he smiling? Is it because he is dying and is anxiously waiting for the homosexual orgy in Hades? So many answers, so many things to be suspicious of. After all, these are Greeks we are talking about. Also those koiroi. Why were the Greeks so obsessed about creating giant statues of nude boys and men? If our youth were exposed to them in our museums, what is to prevent them from looking at, o I cannot finish this sentence, such is the horror of the thought. Pat Robertson’s brain might explode, that is if he does not hurl them like a discus far far away before that happens. Are we to send our children to Hell in the name of art appreciation? I think NOT!

Even the Romans were not fully without blame. I was at a fundraiser for you when I heard one of my colleagues bemoan the fact that his son was learning Catullus at his commie-pinko university! Did you know that Poem 16 starts off with the unholy phrase, “pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo?” Do you know that this phrase can cause the minds of angels to explode? Do you even know what that means? If you don’t then don’t look them up! A true patriot refers to it as Clintonizing which reminds me to thank you for not dragging our country into the fiery gates of hell like he did. I truly fear for that virtuous child as since he is learning about buggering, he must get the urge to go bugger someone or even worse get buggered himself!

In fact, my suspicions were confirmed as my colleague reported that he caught his son in a gay chat room! Next thing you know, the dad finds out that his boy has registered as a Democrat and has joined Human Rights Campaign’s mailing list. (Therefore we must also monitor all internet activity, FOR THE CHILDREN’S SAKE!) He has also donated to Francine Busby’s campaign, that uppity bitch who praised a teacher who had CHILD PORNOGRAPHY on his computer (This is PROOF that Democrats support child pornography. Yes we do have our bad apples but I emphasize that these are an extreme minority who look for the chance for redemption and forgiveness!)! I mean why Busby? Why not Bilbray? I blame Catullus as I am sure you would for this sheep being led astray. The heartbreak on the poor father’s face cannot be described with mere words, dear Supreme Leader. Oh the horror! See what a Catullus class can do to the young minds of our country?

Surely this must mean that Catullus is connected to child pornography even though the liberals are trying to paint us as hypocritical child molesters ourselves. Surely, if the FCC is handing out indecency fines, surely you can investigate the universities for these corrupting Catullus classes, which brings me to my point about abstinence-only programs! I thank heaven every day that you are promoting these programs because if we teach our children about the dangers of sex and the effectiveness of condoms, they will just go out and have sex. If our children want Roman lyric poetry, they should turn to Tibullus and Propertius for at least they wrote about their lovers even if they weren’t married to them. That’s okay because it does not destroy marriage like gay marriage would. Anyways, please pray for this lost soul as I fear it may be too late unless you step in to intervene with your holy powers. In addition, we must ban Sappho because any girl reading her poems will instantly be enthralled by Aphrodite and become a lesbian even though lesbianism is more acceptable because it's so damn hot!

I long for the days of ancient Rome where fathers had absolute control over their families. If a son talked back to him, then the paterfamilias could order his son killed! Brutus, that honorable man ordered his sons executed when they were exposed as traitors collaborating with the Tarquins to restore the Roman monarchy. Oh, if we had multi Bruti today to deal with those traitorous liberals who undermine the war on terror by protesting against this constitutional amendment? Brutus would not stand idly by while liberals take the side of Osama Bin Laden who obviously wants us not to pass this Federal Marriage Amendment because if we do not, then Allah God will destroy this country in a wave of divine flares from high above. We must not allow Bin Laden to dictate our domestic policy in addition to our foreign policy. I long for the days where Romans condemned Greeks for their lack of morals while simultaneously enslaving them as tutors. I long for the days when we condemned the Greeks for their homosexuality and political instability. I long for the Golden Age in this age of Iron, no Rusty Iron where our morals have corroded so much that our godly nation is silent when Churches are about to be forced underground for fear of being turned in for hate speech against queers. I shudder to think about the day liberals will throw us conservative Christians to the lions.

I can go on and on but I fear that I would cause your precious mind to explode, o Supreme Leader Bush and if that would happen, who would lead our country? If you were not there, surely the homo agenda forces would attack us in the rear just as the Persians did at Thermopylae (O if we only had the Tribulation Force at our side). Perhaps I shall send you another letter continuing this discussion if you can follow me. I know you’re a busy man and contrary to what those liberals say you are too busy protecting the country from the homo agenda to worry about reading, not because you are stupid. How dare they say that about you, the Man of God, the Augustus of our time? Please read this letter for the fate of Western Civilization counts on it. Already I can feel the homo agenda’s grip pollute my thoughts as I am desperately trying to fend off their propaganda with a pure-hearted mind like the mind you have.

And to those who say that this is a distraction, a wedge issue meant to turn out the Religious Right vote in droves, I recite the immortal paean first chanted by a true Christian, which reaches out to the heavens and bestows upon the angels their wings whenever it is heard, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” It is obvious that your friend does not know you as well as this godly dittohead who can peer into your soul and see the true goodness there with a gaze that transcends mere words which are like leaves cast away in the wind, not to be remembered as the truth. The liberals say you sounded bored today when you came out in favor of the Federal Marriage Amendment and this must mean that you were doing this not out of sincerity but political expediency, but I refuse to believe them. After all they are liberals and when have they ever told the truth about anything? You must have been exhausted, worrying yourself sick about the greatest homeland security threat our nation has ever faced.

OH GOD! I JUST REALIZED THAT MAN IN LATIN IS HOMO! WE’RE DOOMED! Therefore, we must ban Latin Masses in addition for Latin must be stamped out from the earth. Our children must not be allowed to substitute homo for man. Homo is only reserved for those who truly deserve it: liberals and their gay, homosexual base.

In conclusion, most holy light of the world, a shining beacon in the darkness that shrouds our nation, the one who can tear the world asunder with one word, we must ban the liberal subversive Classics departments in our nation because they threaten the very fabric that holds our country together. Countless tales have been told of Classics majors who engage in fornication and unholy Bacchanalias after learning about the Bacchants in your average Roman Civilization class. The annals of our history are written with accounts of Classics majors researching homosexuality in ancient Greece and in ancient magic when it is clear that the Greeks were nothing more than decadent faggots who were conquered by the virtuous Romans. What kind of message are we sending our children when the very institutions that are supposed to educate our students in being productive and godly members of our Christian nation are nothing more than Trojan Horses meant to destroy our country by crumbling our most sacred institution, marriage? As they say, “Beware Greeks (in this case, Classics departments) bearing gifts.”

A concerned Classics major (o shit!) Christian and Bush supporter!

Obviously this is satire, but I hope I have not offended anyone, especially with the use of the F word and the blatant sexism concerning lesbianism. I was trying to impersonate a Religious Right fanatic.

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