Monday, July 24, 2006

But what if Inhofe was right?

<thinks for a moment, and then finally sees the light!>

But let's be straight here. I'm glad Senator Inhofe is fighting the biggest threat to America today, a threat unprecedented in our short but illustrious history. A threat that threatens to consume this country and blighten all that makes it great. We survived the Civil War when those plantation owners got all uppity and decided their military upbringing was to be used for treason. We survived World War II fought by the greatest generation. We survived the prior greatest threat to our nation, the Clenis and its unholy blight which threatened to extinguish the light of our children's souls.

But this threat, my friends, the Fourth Reich, may finally destroy this country. What if the Environmentalists commit terrorist acts such as blowing up dams just to prove that global warming is real? What if Michael Crichton's book was a prophecy? What if Hurricane Katrina was caused by Crichton's enviro-terrorists who wanted to show the world that global warming was for real? What if that sham hearing Inhofe presided over was to discuss strategy to defeat these terrorists?

What if these scientists and environmentalists are modern-day Telchines who were said to wield the powers of storms and the snows?
It is said that these men were sorcerers and that they could induce clouds and rains and hailstorms whenever they wanted, and similarly bring on snows. They say that they did this just like the mages do.
- Diodorus 5.55
What if they are modern-day versions of Empedocles?
And thou shalt master every drug that e'er
Was made defense 'gainst sickness and old age—
For thee alone all this I will fulfil—
And thou shalt calm the might of tireless winds,
That burst on earth and ruin seedlands; aye,
And if thou wilt, shalt thou arouse the blasts,
And watch them take their vengeance, wild and shrill,
For that before thou cowedst them. Thou shalt change
Black rain to drought, at seasons good for men,
And the long drought of summer shalt thou change
To torrents, nourishing the mountain trees,
As down they stream from ether. And thou shalt
From Hades beckon the might of perished men.
- Empedocles, fragment 111, translated by William Ellery Leonard
Folks, this is the dire threat that Senator Inhofe is bravely attempting to counter to save us Americans from storms, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, heat waves, blizzards, etc. So please join with me in proclaiming them Nazis and members of the Fourth Reich in the hopes that they would be cowed by the Nazi talk, because who wants to be called a Nazi? Let us proclaim a paean which shall include those immortal words, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" that will rise up to the heavens and summon lightning that will burn these environazis to a crisp, leaving behind the sweet smell of burnt flesh and ozone.

Bush and his cronies are right in forgetting Bin Laden! Who gives a fuck about him when we have mage-terrorists on our own shores who are bringing about more intense hurricanes to prove their point and to brainwash the sheep into believing that Bush is bringing the world to an end? In fact, we will turn their magic against them! We shall mix Stygian water with sulfur and then blast them with it. This should kill them instantly. Or we could always have Pat Robertson call down lightning and meteors from heaven if we're too lazy to do the job...

In fact the Environazis have tried to attack us before. Remember the Exxon Valdez spill and all the outrage it produced? Well everyone knows that environmentalist terrorists need pristine pure water to produce their flood magic which they intended to use to flood the coasts to prove that the polar ice caps are melting and that sea levels are rising all due to global warming. Well the Exxon Valdez's captain defiled poured a libation of oil into the water and this foiled their dire plot. To add insult to injury, the environmentalists want to make EXXON PAY for this selfless act of protection!

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